Most of the time, you’ll notice, I choose the silence route. Simply because my indecisiveness has carried me so far, I have no other choice. This doesn’t mean I don’t care and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m purposefully sitting at a standstill. It just means I’m a fucking idiot with no words to say.

I’m sorry.

Messing up in a relationship is like stumbling over your feet. Sometimes you trip up a little, but you catch yourself before you do any major damage And sometimes you stack it so hard, not only do you look like an asshole, you’re bleeding all over the place with a huge gash on your leg.

It’s good to have someone help you clean up the cut. Because sometimes you can’t clean it up yourself and it could get infected and be horrible and disfigured forever. But if you let someone clean it up.. or learn how to clean it up properly, then it’ll heal up nicely.
Yeah, it’ll leave a scar. And yeah, you’ll always remember and have a reminder of how you fell over that day and looked like a total and complete fool. You’ll always have a memory of it burned into you. But scars mean you’ve healed.. scars mean you’ve been through shit and survived.

All strong relationships will endure cuts, scratches and bruises. But the fact that you’ve stuck together long enough to let these wounds heal over … those scars show your strength together.

In Psychology 1A last semester, I learned about automatic attitudinal priming, and positive/negative reinforcement. Basically, it’s like the thing where this scientist rang a bell everytime this dog was being offered food – and he repeated this so much, that everytime the scientist rang the bell from then on, the dog began to salivate, even when there was no food presented to him.

I’ve come to realise that, well shit, half of my behaviour / habits have been primed. The one part that irks me the most – that gets to me the most is the habit of apologising for, well, everything. It’s just gotten to this point where my immediate reaction is me blaming myself, and this burning desire to apologising for any wrong-doing in my vicinity. When did I get this way, and why have I been primed this way? After all this time, all this reinforcement of the necessity of my apology for God knows what I’ve done wrong, I can’t stop saying the fucking word SORRY and it’s pissing me off. I can’t stop myself, I can’t help it, and I’m sorry for every goddamned thing around me, and it’s doing my head in.

What shits me is that, when those apologies come out of my mouth, I sincerely do feel apologetic, I do feel sorry for whatever action I feel I may have committed wrongly, but the word comes out of my mouth so much, it’s weight has lessened ridiculously and it’s just a useless, five-letter word, with no real, solid meaning. Me saying sorry has almost become redundant. FML

But yes! Nerd mode will be turned on, hopefully – my courses are SO. WANKY. this semester, I literally could not understand a word of ANY of what my lecturers were saying, save for Web Authoring (the geek within me was awakened), so wish me luck. Reading Performance for my Theatre minor is really just Art Theory, but for performance art. DDD: A repeat of an entire term of Art in year 11, WHYYYYYY.

I’m really hating how half of what I do in University is like a repeat of what I did in high school. Can’t they teach us new shizz already? >=(.

I don’t know where I’m going in life and it’s scaring the SHIT out of me. FML.

Today, when I picked up MX and jumped to one of my favourite sections (What in the Weird), I came across the article Oh God, not hymn again and it really pissed me off.

I get that our society’s becoming increasingly secular but to the point where courts are beginning to make rulings and regulations about how LOUD someone is allowed to WORSHIP? That’s going a little too far, don’t you think? I mean, obviously society’s shifted verrrry far away from the strongly Christian society that the (Western) world used to be, but must we try so hard to reject religion?

There are alot of people who are resentful of religion, which is fair enough – alot individuals who claim to be of Christian faith have been prosecuting minority groups like homosexuals for decades, and yeah, alot of Christian values may be seen as old-fashioned in this ~fast paced, highly sexualised and modern world~ – but that doesn’t mean we should turn around and, you know, hinder a person’s way of worship by regulating how LOUD THEY CAN SING PRAISES FOR THEIR LORD?

I can see the way that I’m thinking is kind of one sided, but it just annoyed me a tad.

This is where I fail.

A conversation I had today with a few people led to the topic of my ethnicity. As I am proud to tell everyone, I am Chinese/Vietnamese, to which my friend responded that she was also Chinese, as her parents were ethnically Chinese, who had immigrated to Vietnam. Afterwards, she proceeded to explain that technically, she was a ‘fake Vietnamese’ person, as her parents were  Vietnamese citizens. To this, I replied that that meant I was pretty much full Vietnamese, one side is full blooded Viet and the other a Chinese person born in Vietnam (lol here is where I interject and tell you that today I met a man who asked me if my last name was Nguyen after discovering I had Viet blood in me). We had a small debate about it, before someone raised an interesting point – if this whole defining ourselves and our ethnicities as “fake Vietnamese” was to become valid, simply because there was such a large group of us with Chinese parents from Vietnam, then aren’t we all, technically speaking, “fake Australians”? We are Chinese by blood, but we’re Australian by citizenship. HMMMMM.

Then we decided the whole fake Vietnamese thing was moot. But it was interesting while it lasted. Just like this post. Oh yeah. (Not really.)

CANNOT GET DIRTY DIANA OUT OF MY HEAD FML.

There are many things I could rant about at this very moment, such as how much I want a Snuggie right about now (look that shit up, it is AMAZING~) or how I am ridiculously poor right now, or how everything just feels like it’s at a standstill. I mean, yes, I got into NIDA and I am ecstatic, but it doesn’t exactly feel like I’m suddenly on the fast track to ~achieving my dreams~ or some shit. I’m still trying to figure my future out… and every now and then I feel a chill down my spine when I realise it won’t matter at all in the end. Although we only do get one life to live, when we reach a certain point – when we achieve a certain goal, it really just feels like we’re going to remain living in our humdrum routine lives, waiting for the end to come. I mean, maybe you’ll start finding more aspirations to achieve, but it won’t change the fact that.. it won’t matter in the end.

But that certainily is no excuse to not do anything for yourself. It’s just a weird morbid thought that keeps repeating in my head.

.

YOU. How dare you try to lecture me on changing my flirtatious ways. You sure are one to talk. I know, I know that my over-flirtatiousness can get me into serious trouble and cause some serious hurt amongst people other than myself, such as my partner or someone else’s parter or something, but this is truly part of who I am. Without it, I can’t exactly call myself Melody. I can’t really communicate with other people or get my daily fill of social interaction which I kind of need (less so now, but still). Without those double entendres and joke-flirting, I lack words to say other than “hello” “yeah” and “cool.” Perhaps I do need to tone it down; but I have tried. I really have. I don’t know where to start with his whole personality overhaul thing. Should I? Shouldn’t I?

There’s all these arguments I keep pitching against myself for this whole changing myself thing. Deep down, I pretty much know that I should change, because it’s definitely for the better, but a part of me just.. I don’t know. I don’t want to ruin anyone else but myself, but it seems like that’s unavoidable right now.

I wish people wouldn’t misinterpret my actions and words. I don’t mean any harm behind them. I remain faithful, and I hope your girlfriend or boyfriend remains faithful too. I have no intention of ruining you or your relationship. My only intention remains to find a new friend and hang with them. Please don’t think I’m out to hurt you. You know, surprisingly, I can be a nice person when I want to be (which is most of the time. :D)

As per usual, not much of this entry has made sense. Blah. Nothing philosophical or deep here, folks, just pure boredom and nonsense spoutinggggg.

（我想死。）氣死我啦。